Why are friendships so important for my health?

The Five Pillars of a Better Life (Part Five): Stay Connected 

 Looking after ourselves was never meant to be something we do entirely by ourselves.

When I first thought about this series, there were only four pillars.

Eat well. Move more. Make time to reflect. Sleep well.

It seemed a pretty good recipe for looking after ourselves. Then I realised something rather important was missing.

Other people.

We can eat perfectly, exercise every morning, meditate every evening and sleep for eight glorious hours, but human beings are, whether we like it or not, social creatures. Most of us need to love, talk, laugh, argue, share, help, touch and simply be around other people.

So my fifth and final pillar of a better life is social connection.

The fact that it should have been there all along is a reflection of one my personal flaws: I think I can get by on my own. Wrong.

Relationships Are Good for Our Health

Friendship can sometimes sound like one of life's optional extras, or, if we are emotionally hurt, even something we don't deserve.

Science increasingly suggests otherwise.

The famous Harvard Study of Adult Development, which has followed people's lives for decades, has repeatedly found that close relationships are strongly associated with happiness, health and well-being, especially as people grow older.

And one major analysis of 148 studies involving more than 300,000 people found that people with stronger social relationships had about a 50% greater likelihood of survival over the periods studied than those with weaker social relationships. That's an extraordinary figure.

Social isolation and loneliness have also been linked with poorer cardiovascular health, while researchers studying dementia now regard social isolation as one of the potentially modifiable risk factors.

In other words, meeting a friend for coffee isn't merely a pleasant way of passing an afternoon. It may actually be part of looking after ourselves.

Other People Help Us Look After Ourselves

There's another reason relationships belong alongside diet and exercise.

Healthy habits are often easier with other people.

We often walk further when we're talking to somebody.

We actually turn up at the gym when somebody is waiting for us.

A yoga class gets us out of the house.

A walking group combines exercise, fresh air and conversation.

Eating around a table with people we care about can turn food from mere fuel into one of life's great pleasures.

Other people motivate us, encourage us and sometimes notice when we're not quite ourselves.

Health isn't purely individual. We help keep one another well.

Solitude Is Not Loneliness

There is an important distinction here.

Being alone isn't necessarily bad for us.

Some of my happiest moments are quiet ones. Reading. Walking. Thinking. Lying on the beach. Sitting somewhere beautiful without feeling any need to speak.

Chosen solitude can be restorative.

Loneliness is different.

Loneliness is the painful gap between the connection we have and the connection we want.

You can live alone without being lonely.

You can also feel desperately lonely in a marriage, a family, an office, or a room containing fifty people.

So this pillar isn't about filling our diaries with people or collecting friends on Facebook.

It's about having relationships that mean something.

A Few Close Friends — or Lots of People?

Ideally, perhaps, both.

We need a few people with whom we can be completely ourselves. People we can telephone when something wonderful happens. And people we can call when something terrible happens.

Those relationships are precious.

But don't underestimate acquaintances either. The neighbour who says hello. The woman you see every morning at the gym. The waiter who knows your coffee order. The people at church, yoga, the book club or the local bar.

These apparently small connections remind us that we belong somewhere.

Not every relationship needs to become a profound friendship.

A healthy social life can have layers.

Relationships Need Looking After

This may be the most practical lesson of all.

Friendships don't necessarily survive simply because we love somebody. Life gets busy. People move. Partners arrive. Jobs change. Children consume our attention.

We think, I really must phone David. Then another month passes.

Relationships need some of the same things as our other pillars: time, intention and repetition.

So:

• Send the message.

• Make the telephone call.

• Accept the invitation occasionally when you'd rather stay at home.

• Invite somebody for lunch.

• Remember birthdays.

• Ask questions, and actually listen to the answers.

• Tell people when you appreciate them.

• Forgive minor irritations.

• And when you've hurt somebody, say sorry.

We schedule dental appointments and gym sessions because they're important.

Perhaps sometimes we should schedule friendship too.

When We've Been Hurt

Connecting with people becomes harder when we've been disappointed by them. Friendships end. Families fall out. Partners betray us. People say things we cannot forget.

Sometimes independence then becomes armour.

I don't need anybody.

And of course there are relationships from which we genuinely should walk away. Social connection doesn't mean tolerating cruelty, manipulation or abuse.

But being hurt by some people doesn't mean closing the door on everyone.

There is courage in trusting again.

And sometimes there is courage simply in saying:

Would you like to have a coffee?

Growing Older Without Growing Isolated

This becomes particularly important as we age. Retirement may remove the everyday conversations we once had at work. Children may live hundreds of miles away. Friends move or die. Mobility can become more difficult. A partner may no longer be there. A social world that once happened almost automatically can gradually shrink.

At that stage, we may have to become more deliberate about rebuilding it.

Join something: a walking group. A choir. A church, mosque, temple or other faith community. A language class. A book club. A gardening group. A gym. A dance class. A men's shed. A community centre. A volunteering organisation.

And don't dismiss activities simply because you don't know anybody there.

That's the point.

Everybody you love today was once somebody you didn't know.

Be Useful

Perhaps one of the best ways of combating loneliness is not merely to ask: who might need me?

Volunteer. Help a neighbour. Walk somebody's dog. Teach something you know. Visit somebody who's more isolated than you are. Offer to collect someone's shopping. Listen.

Being needed gives us connection, purpose and perspective simultaneously.

And unlike so many things in life, kindness tends to benefit the person giving it as well as the person receiving it.

Social Media Isn't Quite the Same

Technology has done something wonderful. Families separated by continents can see one another's faces. Old friends can reconnect. People who are housebound can remain part of communities. A message from somebody we love can transform a difficult day. So online relationships absolutely have value.

But scrolling through hundreds of updates isn't the same thing as spending an hour with another human being. A hundred Facebook friends are not necessarily one person who will sit beside you when your life falls apart.

Social media can give us the appearance of connection without always giving us its depth.

Use technology to support relationships. But whenever possible, don't let it replace them. Send the WhatsApp message. Then meet for coffee.

Start Small

If you're lonely, advice to "get out and meet people" can sound almost insulting. It isn't always easy. So don't begin with the ambition of acquiring ten new friends. Begin with one small connection.

Say hello to somebody you regularly see.

Stay ten minutes longer after the exercise class.

Ask someone whether they'd like a coffee.

Telephone an old friend.

Join one group.

Volunteer once.

Relationships grow through repeated little encounters.

Friendship rarely arrives dramatically.

More often, it quietly accumulates.

The Fifth Pillar

And so we reach the end of this little series.

Eat well.

Give your body good food.

Move more.

Keep it strong enough to carry you through life.

Make time to reflect.

Give your mind some quiet.

Sleep well.

Allow yourself to recover.

And finally:

Stay connected.

Because what is the point of adding years to our lives if we have nobody with whom to share them?

Better living means taking reasonable care of ourselves — and then turning outward.

Towards family.

Towards friends.

Towards neighbours.

Towards strangers who might one day become friends.

Towards other human beings.

Because, in the end, very few of the moments that make a life truly worthwhile happen entirely alone.

SIMPLY. BETTER. LIVING. 

“We are like islands in the sea, separate on the surface but connected in the deep.”
— commonly attributed to William James